If you’ve ever sat through a “Leadership 101” workshop where someone told you to “be more visionary” or “just communicate better,” I feel your pain. Leadership advice is everywhere, but most of it either feels wildly theoretical or assumes you’re secretly a Marvel superhero.
I recently gave a talk to a group of university seniors on the topic of leadership — specifically, the so-called “soft skills.” The kind that doesn’t usually get taught in textbooks. As someone who has led teams, advised CEOs, and occasionally failed in full view of my employees, I’ve learned a few lessons about soft leadership skills that might be worth sharing with fellow business owners.
So, here’s my real-world, coffee-stained, slightly battle-worn take on leadership.
Myths We Tell Ourselves About Leaders
Let’s start by knocking a few myths off their pedestals:
“Leaders have superhuman vision.” No. Most of us have bifocals and a to-do list that’s eating itself.
“Leaders must be charismatic.” I’ve met wildly successful leaders who couldn’t sell Girl Scout cookies to their own grandmother. What they lacked in pizzazz, they made up for in reliability and trust.
“Leaders are born, not made.” I used to think so. Then I remembered how awkward and clueless I was when I started. It turns out that leadership is a skill set, like cooking or parallel parking. You just have to be willing to mess up a few times.
“Leaders never fail.” If you’re not failing occasionally, you’re probably not trying anything new. I’ve had some spectacular flops, and every one of them taught me something valuable (usually after a few sleepless nights).
“Leaders have all the answers.” Spoiler alert: we don’t. But we do know how to ask good questions and surround ourselves with people who are smarter than we are.
“Leaders are always in control.” I once thought that too, right up until my entire presentation disappeared 10 minutes before a crucial client pitch. Great leaders don’t cling to control; they focus on influence.
“There’s only one way to lead.” I used to try mimicking “successful” leaders I admired. It never quite worked. Turns out, you can’t fake leadership. You have to find your own version that works for you—and your team.
Integrity: The Non-Negotiable
Jack Welch once said, “If you don’t have integrity, nothing else matters.” I hate to admit how many years it took me to understand that fully. Your people can dislike your style or disagree with your decisions, but they’ll still follow you if they respect you.
I’ve worked with some technically brilliant leaders who couldn’t hold onto a team because people didn’t trust them. Meanwhile, I’ve seen gritty, imperfect managers with high integrity inspire real loyalty.
When it comes to leadership, integrity is your admission ticket. Without it, you’re not even in the game.
Leadership Isn’t About You
One of the fastest ways to kill your company culture is to lead from ego. I tried it once. It’s exhausting, unsustainable, and lonely.
The best leadership is group-centered, not self-centered. Your job is to create a vision the group can rally around, not to be the hero of your own business memoir.
Simon Sinek’s phrase, “leaders eat last,” is so often repeated that it has become a bit of a cliché, but it’s rooted in something true: When your team knows you’ve got their back, they’ll go through walls for you. (They’ll also stay late without rolling their eyes.)
You’re Probably Communicating Less Than You Think
Most of us assume we’re communicating all the time, simply because we’re talking. Not quite.
Real communication is intentional. And it usually takes three steps – the same three steps Dale Carnegie started teaching in the mid-20th century:
- Tell them what you’re going to tell them.
- Tell them.
- Tell them what you told them.
I’ve learned this the hard way, usually after someone comes to me days later and says, “Wait, we’re doing what now?”
If that sounds familiar, you’re in good company.
The other golden rule: listen more than you talk. In fact, listen three times more. People will tell you what’s wrong if you shut up long enough to hear them.
Vulnerability Isn’t Weakness
Confession: For years, I thought admitting I didn’t know something would make me look incompetent. So I faked it.
Bad idea.
It turns out, saying “I don’t know, but I’ll find out” actually builds credibility because it’s honest.
Being open about your strengths and your weaknesses makes you more human. And approachable. And better at learning.
The best leaders I know are lifelong learners. They don’t act like they’ve arrived. They just keep showing up, listening, and improving. That’s the kind of energy that makes a business thrive.
How to Earn Trust (Without a TED Talk)
If you want people to trust you, don’t start by telling them all about you. Start by letting them talk.
Why? Because people bond more deeply with those they’ve shared with, not with those who overshare.
So ask real questions. Show genuine interest. This goes for clients, partners, and especially employees.
In management, emotional intelligence often beats raw IQ. Your people want to know you see them… that you’re not just chasing numbers, but they’re part of the equation too.
Also: Be. Truthful. Every. Time. It’s how you build long-term credibility. Even when it’s hard, or awkward, or you’d rather avoid it.
So… What Really Makes a Great Leader?
It’s not technique. It’s not charisma. And it’s definitely not having the best LinkedIn bio.
Great leadership comes down to character. To who you are when no one’s watching. To how you show up for your team when things are messy. To how you listen, admit fault, and quietly keep learning.
The tools of leadership can be taught. But the truth of leadership? That part has to come from you.
Final Thought
If all this sounds daunting, good. That means you care. And if you care, you’re already halfway there.
Now, go lead. Your way. Just don’t forget to listen, be honest, and occasionally admit when you have no idea what the heck is going on.
Trust me – we’ve all been there. And we’ll probably all be there again.
Pictured: Me with a captive audience at William & Mary College, Williamsburg, VA.
